A Hand Picked Flower

A few months ago, I read through some of my old blog posts and I was surprised by how emotional I was remembering those newborn months. I couldn’t believe how much of it I had forgotten which is probably the reason why I’m almost 5 months pregnant now. What I enjoyed though was having these memories that I can reflect on because I decided to take the time to write them down. So I wanted to make time to write this story so I can never forget it.

Finding out I was pregnant this time was a little bit different. I didn’t have a breakdown like I did with Miles, I was actually very calm. David had no clue I was taking a pregnancy test so after I saw that tiny plus sign I started thinking of how I would tell him. I went outside where David and my parents were talking trying my best not to look suspicious knowing that I was holding in news that could turn their worlds upside down. I hid the test in David’s underwear drawer thinking he would stick to his nightly routine. Turns out that particular night he had a new pack sitting on top of the dresser that he was currently using. I had to think of another way to get him to open the dam drawer. I decided to tell him that I got him a gift that I had put inside of his underwear drawer. His shocked face and wide eyes when he pulled out that pregnancy test is something I don’t think I could ever forget.

For a few days, I considered being team green. This is when you wait until you give birth to find out the gender of the baby. I honestly thought I had it in me to wait 9 months until I went to my first ultrasound. Because of the pandemic, things didn’t go as usual. I went into the ultrasound room alone with my mask on praying everything would be okay. As I had seen on social media, most people would Facetime their significant others so they can somehow be a part of the experience. However, the technician flat out told me I could not. Even with a mask on, the sobs that left my body could not be covered. She agreed to let me record a few seconds of the ultrasound with the baby’s heartbeat echoing loudly in the room. I never thought I would be hearing my baby’s heartbeat for the first time in a room with a stranger but even as the tears rolled down my face I was grateful just to hear that strong galloping heart. 

As soon as I saw my baby moving around during that first ultrasound, I wanted to know the gender. I swore it felt like watching Miles all over again and I wanted to start imagining what life would be like come November. I joined this pregnancy community app where a lot of moms were talking about this sneak peek test. It guarantees you will find out the gender as early as 8 weeks. I couldn’t resist and I told myself I would not tell anyone the result until it was confirmed by my doctor. I read some reviews about the results being wrong so I was not 100% sold.

So here I am, 9 weeks and really anxious about using this sneak peek test. I took it to work since apparently any male DNA can contaminate the sample. It came with a huge lancet (finger prick thing) and a tube that needed 7 drops of blood. 7 drops may not sound like much but it was way more than I was expecting. So I’m at my desk with a tourniquet on my wrist, waving my arm around in a circle (it was in the directions), and chugging a bottle of water. My coworker who is a male was watching me skeptically since I specifically instructed him not to enter the vicinity of my desk unless something went drastically wrong. I pricked my finger and realized the blood drop was not going to go that easily into a tube. The instructions specifically said not to let the blood go under the fingernail or off to the side and a bunch of other things. Well it wasn’t going exactly the right way. By the time I filled the tube, my desk had blood spots everywhere and bloody tissues all over it. All to find out what this little peanut could be!

I stalked the mailman and made sure to hand him my sacred blood tube containing package. Now it was time to wait….the package was due to be received by the facility in 3 days. However, 3 weeks later my package was lost in the mail. When I tried to get a refund and reached out to USPS, they somehow found the package. On May 15, 2020, I got an email saying my results were in. I decided to wait until I was alone with David so we could open it together (definitely not as simple as it sounds). I knew this day was special too, it was exactly one year that my grandfather passed away. I wondered about him and what he would think to find out I was having another baby.

When David and I were finally together, I opened the email. It said congratulations, you’re having a baby girl. I honestly couldn’t believe it. I probably said oh my god 17,000 times while David sat there with his smiling face. I refused to let myself be happy knowing it could be wrong. A blood tube that had sat who knows where for 3 weeks could not have possibly been processed correctly.

I ended up having a NIPT test since the baby was not cooperating during an ultrasound screen for down syndrome. It’s a genetic test that will tell you if your baby is at risk for any abnormalities and since a lot of these genetic conditions are gender-based  they also are able to tell you the gender earlier on. I waited 11 days for these results to come back. When I finally got the call….the test was inconclusive and needed to be repeated. Talk about luck. 

I repeated it the following day! At this point, I was anxious to know and my patience was waning. I waited 10 more days for these results. When I finally got the call, she said it’s a princess! Wow could it really be? I cried, then called David, then cried a little more. Was it really true? I almost called the doctor’s office back because I was convinced I had heard wrong. It’s amazing what the mind could do. Even recently I went to see my doctor and asked her to show me the results so I could see for myself. I was probably being a little psychotic but whatever blame it on the hormones.

I’m amazed that I’m blessed to be a mother to an amazing little boy and now a little girl whose face I can only dream of. I feel it in my heart my grandpa had something to do with those results coming on that day. I spent so many days learning from him, laughing with him, and spending time with him. It’s hard not to believe he didn’t have a hand in this gift. Does he want my father to understand the way he loved me? Maybe. All I know is that when I think of her, I’ll forever think of him.