A Year of Reflection

As the new year quickly approaches, I can't help but think of the roller coaster year that is leaving. When the new year ball dropped, announcing the commencement of the year 2017, I kissed my newlywed husband and drunkenly told him, "Let's have a baby this year". His face was a mixture of shock and awe considering this statement was coming out of my mouth. There's something about that moment, when the count down reaches one, when time freezes just for a second giving you that overwhelming feeling of starting a new chapter whether your leaving behind a great one or a bad one. We hug and kiss our families hopeful for the year to come. When you think back on your memories you often remember them by year, the year I did this, the year I met my husband, the year I birthed my baby. To me, this is what chokes me up most on New Years (I'm sure the alcohol doesn't help either). So there I was, telling David I wanted a baby so unexpectedly even I surprised myself. Once you get married, the baby question gets fired at you relentlessly as if having a baby is like placing an order for fast food. I would shake my head, make a 'are you crazy' face with my eyes open wide and say nope. Me? No thanks. I was never one to fuss over babies and how cute they are. In fact, I would avoid them simply because most children can be flat out exhausting and bothersome after the 5 minutes of cuteness is up. (Sorry parents, I now understand how no matter what a child does or how they act, you love them all the same)

On New Year's Day, I lounged around waiting for the hangover to go back into hiding. I watched movies all day and spent time with my family. It wasn't until about 8pm that I thought about my drunken moment of confessing my desire to have a baby. I thought about my menstrual cycle and how just a week ago I noticed some spotting for a day or two. How strange? Usually it likes to make it's appearance known rather than just being a small inconvenience. I shoved the thought to the back of my mind thinking I was just being paranoid now that David thinks I actually want to get pregnant. It wasn't easy to keep my mind of it after about 30 minutes. I had some pregnancy tests hidden in a drawer and to keep my sanity I decided now would be the time to take one. I sat it on top of the garbage can while I waited to see if the lines would cross. After a minute, I could already see a faint vertical line completing the plus sign. I sat there shocked and just stared at the test. Was the line faint enough to be a mistake? If I held the test at a certain angle does the line look lighter? After my shock starting wearing off, I burst into tears and they were not the kind you get watching a sad movie but full blown sobs were wracking my body. How could it be? When did it happen? How do I tell David? I called him after I attempted to calm myself down. I told him he needed to come home immediately. When he heard how in hysterics I was, his first thought was that someone had died. This goes to show how thrown I was by the whole ordeal. When I told him about the pregnancy test, he was instantly happy, shocked, excited and here I was having the biggest meltdown of my life. He reassured me that things would be great and that I should be rejoicing rather than being fearful because we would be together through this journey, growing our family. I was calm for the moment until we hung up and back came my overwhelming emotions. I couldn't quite understand how some people rejoice in this moment because all I felt in my heart was fear.

When David came home, I was anxious. We inspected the test and how lightly the line crossed the other. I came up with a genius idea of having David take a pregnancy test to assess the efficacy of dam things. I was convinced it was defective. So I explained how the test works and he just looked at me dumbfounded and said "I'm supposed to pee on that?!" So we took turns taking our pregnancy tests (I took another to compare) and placed them side by side to see. I couldn't bare to watch as the minutes went by so I let him do the supervising of the pluses. I finally asked him, "Well what do they look like!" To which he responded "Well yours definitely looks different."

These are our side by side pregnancy tests taken 1/1/17. I'm sure you can see which one belonged to me.

I had been married 8 short months when I found out I was indeed pregnant. By the time we went to the doctor a week later I was actually 6 weeks along. Most people still ask if we were ready to have a baby. I always say yes and no. Yes because I knew it was a possibility that it could happen at any time. Before I walked down the aisle, I promised my husband and the priest that married us that I would not continue taking birth control. I kept true to my promise and ditched the pills when we began our 70 day abstinent period before we got married. So yes, I did know it was bound to happen but after 7 years of taking this pill I expected it to take a little bit longer. I already knew that I didn't want to plan a pregnancy because if left up to me would have been never. I preferred the element of surprise and I sure got what I wished for.

My six week little baby 💙

I answer no to the question of if we were ready because it's the truth. Nothing would have prepared me for that life changing moment. If I had been married 10 years, I probably would have still reacted the same way. It wasn't just that I was a newlywed or that I was 25, I was not prepared to be someone's mother. My fear was centered on the fact that I didn't feel like I had it in me to be someone's mom or even a good mom at this stage of my life. Therefore, no I did not plan to become pregnant at this time, I just let God do His thing.

2017 was full of surprises for me. This year will always be extra special to me because my baby boy was born. I will always remember that feeling of finding out I was pregnant, the first time I heard his heart beat, and the moment I held him in my arms for the first time. I can't speak for the years to come but this is was by far my favorite. Tonight as that countdown reaches one, I will probably be emotional because this is one of those chapters of my life that is so special. In 2017, I continued to grow as a person and as a mother. I didn't realize how instinctual it would all be. From the moment I held my baby boy, I realized that I've never loved anyone to this magnitude and that I would do anything for this little person because from moment I knew he existed I unintentionally handed over ownership of my heart. So I say goodbye to this year, happy that it happened and sad that it went so fast. I am also exited for this new year and all the experiences my little family will have. There are only better things to come.

Happy New Year to all of you. May this year be the one that you have been looking forward to.