Dear Angel Babies

The following post was not written by me but rather a special friend that would like to share her story anonymously with the world. It's difficult to relive some of the bad experiences we go through but to share knowing there is a possibility of helping another is admirable. Thank you for allowing me to share your story on this platform. You are greatly appreciated.

My story.

I’ve always been one to overthink every decision I made in life , or any good and bad thing that came to me without asking. I guess you can say that I believe that nothing comes easy without some type of struggle or fight. Some may say this mentality is good to have because it makes me appreciate things more or makes me work harder to achieve great things. However, I think sometimes I may overdo it to the point where I doubt my abilities and the great things that come to me. A few months ago, my partner and I decided that we wanted to try for a baby. With several period tracking and baby making apps on my phone, I️ figured it would be super easy. And if it didn’t happen within two or three months, something was wrong with me and I️ wasn’t worthy. See, there I️ go again, not claiming good things for myself.

About two months into trying, I received a positive pregnancy test. That two week wait period was a personal battle. I️ watched everything I ate and second guessed every move I️ made because I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t interrupt the implantation process. The few people who knew I was trying thought I was legit crazy because I was either on google every other day figuring out what not to do or beating myself up for doing something. When I got the positive result, I was happy but soon after very scared. I started telling myself that I wasn’t worthy. I was super emotional and I just didn’t know how to handle it. I prepared myself for the worst and the worst hadn’t even occurred...yet. The night before my doctors appointment to confirm the results, I went google crazy. I checked to see the likelihood of a false positive, a “chemical pregnancy” and how accurate my home test even was. At that point I became even more scared because we already told one or two family members who of course told other family members. If something was wrong, how would I explain this? Better yet, was I stressing myself out to the point where it was affecting my body and that If something horrible were to happen it was my fault? I don’t know but I could not sleep that night. The next morning I went to the doctor and he had some trouble locating the poppy seed on the ultrasound. Yes, even though I was only about 6 weeks, the doctor should have been able to see a clear view of the beginning of a pregnancy. He didn’t. But he told me to come back that weekend to confirm. He even asked me again “you took a test at home and it said positive right?”. I said yes. I even went home and double checked the test I had saved 😞. A few days later I woke up for work feeling normal. After being at my desk for about an hour, I started to have cramps. Period like cramps. It couldn’t be my period because my period has never been this late and remember I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I went to the bathroom where I noticed spotting in my panties. I knew that this could be a pregnancy symptom but it could also mean something much more serious. I waited a few hours to see how much more spotting would occur. By 11am, the cramping became worse and and I had more spotting. I called my doctor and they asked me to come in at 5pm. As soon as I got home I cried. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore because i knew what was happening and I️ didn’t need a doctor to confirm it. My partner was very supportive and hopeful but there was nothing he could say that would have changed my thoughts. I knew what was happening. A miscarriage. When I went to the doctor, he informed me that I have a very early miscarriage and that it was very common and that I️ can try again soon. He advised that I️ take a day or two off from work and let my body naturally do what it had to do. When I left the office, all I could do was cry. I blamed myself for it all. I blamed my nerves, my thoughts and the doubt I placed in my mind for being able to conceive a child. I didn’t feel I️ was worthy enough to have a child so the miscarriage to me was my confirmation.

Afterwards, I tried to get on with life as usual. I told myself that we would try again and everything would be okay. However, deep inside I was still hurting. I was stuck with these negative thoughts about having a child and kept blaming myself. I was embarrassed to even share my thoughts with anyone because they may have referred me to a psych ward. Everyone just doesn’t understand mental health. After a few weeks of denial, I️ decided to reach out to a wellness counselor for help. I needed to share my story with a complete stranger who would maybe understand my struggle and help me come to some sort of peace and understanding. The counselor indeed helped and helped me put things into a brighter perspective. Instead of focusing so much on what could go wrong in my life and being plagued by my negative thoughts, she taught me how to live in the “now”. Even though I am submitting this story anonymously, I’m hoping that it will help someone who has went through this or is currently going through this. It doesn’t matter if you’re 4 weeks pregnant or 6 months pregnant. Once you know that you are creating and carrying human life, it takes a toll on you, mentally, emotionally and physically. For the two weeks I knew I was pregnant, I began to plan my life with this child. It’s been about three months but my partner and I have decided to try again for 2018. I’m excited and this time I will accept anything good that comes to my life. No doubts or negative energy allowed!Xoxo 💋

To all the angel babies, you are loved, you are missed, and you are thought of every single day. Thank you for allowing us to experience motherhood if even for a short time. You have changed our livesFOREVER.