Two to Love
Deciding to grow your family with more children is not a decision that's made lightly. Initially, when I decided to make an appointment to remove my birth control method, I didn't anticipate us getting pregnant immediately. With my firstborn, it took us about 8 months to conceive so naturally I thought a subsequent pregnancy will follow suit.
You can imagine my surprise when just 2 months later I was staring at a plus sign on a pregnancy test. My calm reaction to the positive test even took me by surprise since I pretty much over analyze everything. However, it seemed a lot less intimidating than my first pregnancy. What a memorable time sitting on the bathroom floor in tears thinking what did I just do, but this time was different. I was ready, confident, experienced.
These feeling faded fast though. When the reality of what was about to happen settled in, along with a bunch of hormones, I was a mess. My tears were delayed and it wasn't until weeks into my pregnancy that I began to question myself. I began to worry about my capabilities as a mother, was I prepared to handle two? Could I juggle this immense responsibility and still be a good mother?
I worried about loving another child. Was it true that you could love two children equally? Would my firstborn resent me for spending less time attending to him? I daydreamed about the day I would bring my newborn home to meet my first love. What would his reaction be? Would he find her interesting? It's the anticipation of having the two halves of your heart come together in one place that makes you both emotional and giddy with excitement.
Many will ask how my firstborn has handled the transition of now being an older brother. It's often difficult to explain. Miles has never shown an immense amount of emotion which may be related to him being autistic. He shows love spontaneously and on his own terms. However, I catch glimpses of him watching her through the corner of his eye so quickly you can miss it if you’re not paying close attention. I see how he lets her pull his hair and grab his hand as he sits there calmly. What I gather from all of this is, he knows she is there and he accepts it in his own way.
I think being a mother in general can make you riddled with anxiety. Having two babies can definitely be overwhelming at times. Especially when you have these two tiny humans demanding your attention at the same time. Trying to explain to a 3 year old that mommy is busy can be difficult for them to understand. However, the initial fear I had of my ability to handle both of them has dissipated slowly as time goes on. I now see how my heart needed both of them. How much life has changed because they both exist. When I sit back and see them together, my heart is full. When both of them want to share my lap, it reassures me that even when I question myself, they still love me as I am. These are my babies and I am who I am because they chose me as their mom.